If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.

Its Christmas today. Which simply means, its 5 more days before we embark to a new year. Started typing few sentences and I'm almost in tears. How fast time flies and how 2011 brings a love-hate relationship I have towards it. Masya'Allah.

Shukran Ya Allah for the pain you gave me for it gave me more strength and knowledge, the happiness you shine upon me for it made me grateful for the life some people may not have. But nothing made me for thankful for the ability to love and wake up to a new day everyday. However it is, I am looking forward to a new year which I pray opens new and wider horizons for my life. Insya'Allah.

"........ and she said we were really in love."

I froze. "So you said?" I asked, nervous but not hoping in any way.

He looked up, straight at me, and my breathing slowed for that bare second because he had the strangest look in his eyes. I wanted to turn away from him to avoid that face. I couldn't.

"I said that we were."

I don't know how to feel that very moment. Euphoric? Angry? Nonchalance, maybe. Whatever.

"I'm learning to love you."

You were all alone sitting on a huge armchair in the middle of a spacious room and wanted me to be with you but I left just to be with my friends in another room. You felt neglected. I can't remember what happened next in the dream. If that is what you are really facing, let me confess that you are not trying hard enough. I'm starting to like you but its going nowhere without you initiating the rest of the steps. I don't know if I can afford to wait like life is forever.

So what happened in reality? I received a text from you the day after. I never want it to end when there isn't a beginning yet. If you are willing to chase, I promise to run slow.

Little did they know, behind every closed doors, people are coping with their problems in their own way. It's going to be 2 years since I last decided to stop depending my life on anyone especially after Dzul. What people regard us as the perfect couple did not end up the way they thought it would be. I can't believe it either. I will never forget the pain he left me with. It's weird how something so perfect can be so wrong at the same time that we have come to a point where we can’t go any farther than we had since we’ve been together on the second. As much as I didn’t see that coming, it was already the end.

Life's been great right now. Searching? Not at all. The past relationship taught me a lot of things I didn't expect to be in. They refused to believe that I'm different. As much as it grieved me, I'm proud that I am still the one out of many. Everyone forgot to fix that part, really.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances... you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts.

Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

I’m weird with relationships. I think I know what I want, then I run. I think I run because I’m scared, I’m scared that I might get hurt. Or maybe I just haven’t found someone who I know is worth being hurt for.

I wish you would just show up on my doorstep. Not with anything special, just you. And when I’d open the door you’d smile and while I’m trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing here you’d tell me how hard the past months have been, how much you’ve thought about me, how much you regretted everything. And then you’d take me into your arms and ask me to forgive you and I would without hesitation. Then you’d grab my face and kiss me and everything would be perfect again.

It’s amazing how you realize when you lose someone, you get mad at yourself for not saying the things that you could’ve a million times. You take for granted the days spent doing nothing, when you could’ve been with them. Anyone can be taken at any time in our lives but we always wait until they’re gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.

I may like you, I may fancy you, I may be with you but it does not mean I love you. I may say the sweetest things, I may write the most beautiful poems, I may tell you how I feel but I cannot gurantee you I mean it. I may let you in, I may confide in you, I may open up but it is not an entry to my inner most self.

I do not love easily.

But above it all, I will stay if you want me to wait. I would learn you if I could.

I will move if you do the same and leave if you stop to care.

Stay. Move. Wait. Leave.

......................

Hi, you are a coward. You asked my best friend questions that only I have the right to answer. Let me teach you something, the least a sane person can do is to clarify before making any assumptions or believe the third party. Fucking loser. With lots of love.

It’s not okay that you hurt me, but I am okay. I deserve more, and I know that now. And maybe you knew that inside, that you couldn’t give me that yet. So you set me free. We would’ve been so great, you would never have wished for more than I would’ve given you. But you never gave it a chance. So now you’ll never know what could’ve been. Maybe someday you’ll regret it, maybe someday you’ll think it was the best decision you ever made, but maybe someday you’ll see me walking, smiling and happy, alongside someone who’s also smiling and happy because he has my heart. Maybe then you’ll stop and realize what you’re missing, because someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go…....

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

— Bob Marley

It's through all those rocky paths that I've become who I am today, stronger, more resilient, more independent and more courageous, eager to savour the remaining of my life in the most beneficial way I can, insyaAllah, although I pray that I won't have to go through all those path again.

Little did I expect what happened last 2 weeks was a sign to prepare myself for what's coming. That's actually enough to take me on a gloomy trip back to where it started. I thought I could get over the fact that it's all over when you are coming back staying for good which is not helping at all.

I harbor no resentment towards you anymore. I only have love and I wish the best things in the world for you. At the same time, I selfishly wish things could have ended on a different note. I am not bitter nor angry. I find no fault in the decision you made because I can only see beautiful things when I look at you and only think beautiful thoughts about you and for you.

So last night, his mother called me up. After a long while, I felt really happy to hear her voice. She misses me more than I know. There's nothing much that I can do right now. I don't want to be rude to her but how do I tell her to get over it? She's still hoping for me to come back but that will never happen. I want her to stop all this. The feeling's not right.

After few months, I've realize I’ve made it through half the day without thinking of him. It took me months to reach to a point when I only think about him occasionally. I manage to do this because I don’t see him around and I don’t hear about him as often anymore.

And then after all the misery, it takes just 1 person to change everything and the memories come flooding back. Fml.

Women needs assurance. If you like them, love them, do not hesitate to tell them how you feel. They will appreciate it more than you ever know. Most women don't dare to express what they feel in their heart. If you think you have a big dick, we have an ego bigger than that. Because before you know it, she will fall for someone who will tell her what she needs to know. She needs to be appreciated as much as you men wants to be treated that way. If you appreciate her, respect her worth, she will give her whole world to you. Oh me? I will give my all.

At this moment when life is spiralling downwards nothing can bring me close to comfort. Times like this, made me wish that Dzul is here no matter how much I hate him now. I need someone to give me a hug and tell me every fucking thing is okay.


I'm staying home, sit at the corner of my room, smoke my lungs out and cry today.

The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt them anymore.....

Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die
or know that you would die without them...
it matters not.

Because once in your life,
whatever they were to the world they become everything to you.

When you look them in the eyes,
traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,
you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings
of her very heart.

You love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice.
It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.

A feeling.
Only felt.

I’m not here to save anyone; those days are over. As a friend told me recently, ‘Date the person, not the potential.’ Have a life. Have dreams. Have ambition. Most of all, have the capacity to love and believe that you deserve it in return. Be your own person. Be self-possessed. Want me, don’t need me…. I don’t want to carry you, I want to walk beside you. Be intelligent, but more importantly, the desire to learn. Be warm, not needy. This isn’t to say we don’t all go through things and sometimes need, but there’s a difference. We’re talking about exception rather than rule. In short, I want to watch you at a distance in a crowded room and know I’m the luckiest woman there.

Note to self: I won’t feel like this forever.

Because someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you’ve always wanted. If your someday was yesterday, learn. If your someday is tomorrow, hope. If your someday is today, cherish.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

— Frank Herbert

I build up walls nobody can climb...

At times the days seemed so long, I thought I'd never make it through,
Then suddenly, out of a dream, I have met someone like you.
I had locked up all my feelings and I'd thrown away the key,
Until your heart spoke a thousand words I knew were meant to be.
When times turned rough and lonely, and despair fell upon my face,
You comforted me and kept me safe in that loving special place.

Something valuable that I learnt from Merah Pawana 1st workshop today;

Allahumma solli 'ala saidina Muhammad

Tibbil Qulubiwa dawa iha

Wa'afyatil aksaa diwa shifa iha

Wan'nuril absori wa jila iha

Wa'alaaa Alihi Wassabbihi Wabarik Wassalim

I have never felt this remorseful in my entire life. The tears are not because of a life loss or a love gone. It was my guilt towards God that made me that way. I haven't been His loyal servant nor a good one these past months but He never fails to shower me with His blessings for He is the most beneficent, the most merciful. May this Holy month strengthen our Imaan and guide us to His path towards Jannahtul Firdaus. Bismillahirahmanirrahim.

Right now, when I think about what happened last night, I regret that I didn't react to your rudeness with anger, but at the moment I was so shocked that all I could do was run away and cry. I don't think I could have been more shocked by your reaction if you'd shouted at me in public. This, I've come to realize, is one of the main differences between us.

i guess it's the end. i can feel it. the end of nothing? the end of something that is a step closer to the beginning but never begin in the first place?

hello bali. treat me well. treat me good.

i hope the tables will turn when im back here in 5 days.

it's either we start all over again or pretend it never existed at all.

Henri Cartier Bresson Behind the Gare Saint-Lazare, 1932

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser person than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Appreciate life. Celebrate your glory. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

A woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow,

And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

On Joy and Sorrow from
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

I barely know you. But the first time I saw you years ago, there was something about you that was so familiar… familiar in the best way. Like we shared something. It’s weird having this feeling towards a stranger but at the same time you can feel something might just happen. It did. Have you ever see someone somewhere and felt an affinity with? That’s exactly what I felt.

Hello everyone, I’m still alive and subconsciously falling in love.
I’m back again. Maybe. Just maybe. It's been so long.

for the first time in a long while, I thought about you longer than just in passing and held onto the thoughts. it made me wish you were back in my life just for a day or maybe even a weekend.

We humans are often afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand.

...there's no going back, and when you cant't go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward. The rest is up to Allah.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say, find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."
- Jean de La Fontaine

The greatest feeling in the world is to be around someone who wants to hold you, to kiss your forehead, and to be around you. Who wants to call you at night, to see you smile. But, what’s better than that is finding someone that does it all, because he wants to see you happy.

I have no patience for an insecure stranger who thinks that I am obligated to explain away her every insecurity. Especially since I have no idea who she is or what is going on in their lives.

Her boyfriend is just my past and haven't you heard? I don't lick my own spit. I clearly didn't make any move on him. Do yourself a favour and clarify everything with the people who are actually involved in this especially your own boyfriend.

I have better deals in hand and I don't need any advice from you.

Your insecurities makes you real ugly.

I don’t really believe in regrets. All my experiences.. even the ones that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe they were all worth it. There's answers to everything that happened. I don't have to ask why because I believe. It's just a matter of time.

You don't need me. You don't need anyone.
I'm not dealing with anything. No more commitments until I get the true one that I've always prayed for.

If I'm making you confused, so be it. Stop asking. I have no answers left to give out.
In fact, I still have questions of my life left unanswered. He decided to go on and I decided to move on.

The end. For good. For the first and last.

I try to talk to you, but I don’t know what to say. I am afraid you don’t want me to say anything. So I don’t. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel like, how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. How I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart, locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too… but I’ll never know.

There are things that I want and certain of in life but only one person can fulfill it. There are also things that I want to eradicate and dispose out of my life and only one can do it.

I belong to no one else, but God and myself. I owe no explanation to anyone, but to God and myself. I can do anything, and only think about God and myself. This whole world belongs to God, and myself.

Tears are streaming down my face and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

This blog accepts no bullshit for the content of the entries. Any views or opinions presented are solely those of the author (unless stated) and do not necessarily represent what she is going through.